


Dirk and Jake's Stellar Beach Episode

by SoyMikki



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Day At The Beach, Fluff, M/M, Trans Dirk Strider, brazilian jake english, sometimes living surrounded by an ocean that's out to kill you gives you a bit of thalassophobia, the homestuck dirkjake episode you never realized you needed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:09:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28654038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoyMikki/pseuds/SoyMikki
Summary: Dirk and Jake spend a nice afternoon at the Beach on Earth C
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 4
Kudos: 62
Collections: DirkJake Big Bang 2k21, Dirkjake





	Dirk and Jake's Stellar Beach Episode

It is a bright and sunny afternoon on the beaches of Earth C. Or at the very least, on one particular beach of Earth C, one that currently hosts the planet’s very creators and gods. On this beach, these creators frolic and play among the waves and sands, enjoying the light breeze and spray of salty sea air. Their lives up to now have been a vast array of shenanigans, hijinks, brutal suffering, horrifying ordeals, and most importantly, realizations of the self, many being of the gay kind. If you were to catalogue all of their days of existence chronologically in an episodic manner, then this day upon the beach might be what you would call….a beach episode.  
Now take a moment, freeze frame it if you will. If you were to survey this idyllic scene of friendly merrymaking and aquatic shenanigans, you’d notice that not everyone is in fact rollicking around in those amicably gentle currents of ocean waves. Sitting under a beach umbrella and upon a particularly rugged towel, lay two dudes. Well, one dude is laying down on the other guy’s lap, while said other guy is brushing his fingers through this dude’s hair. You could say that they are two bros, chilling on the beach, no feet apart because they’re super mega fucking gay.

Okay, let’s actually be serious, take a step back, and fucking introduce these two dudes. The two under this lovely beach umbrella are one Dirk Strider and Jake English, Prince of Heart and Page of Hope, respectively. You may know them as Earth C’s beloved hosts of Rumble in Da Pumpkin Patch. You may also just know them as a couple of the various gods who, y’know, created the whole damn universe that everyone resides in. Or, if you’re like me, you may just simply know them as Dirk, and Jake.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s relay the scene once more: Upon a rugged towel, under a charming beach umbrella, Dirk and Jake sit, relaxed and utterly content in their positions. Dirk has his head gently nestled in the pillowed lap of his beau, Jake English, who is currently carding his fingers lazily through Dirk’s hair as he watches the twosomes combined various loved ones and acquaintances frolic around in the ocean. Dirk has his head turned away from the sea, but can most definitely hear them laughing and splashing about behind him, (and what may or may not be the telltale screech of Karkat getting dunked into the water by one prankstering June Egbert), though he currently doesn’t care to turn around, thanks to how comfortable he is at this very moment. Of course, this is Dirk Strider we’re talking about. And, since this is Dirk Strider, this peace and absolute bliss just cannot pass without at least an attempt at self-sabotage. 

He cracks an eye open, either in an attempt to be cool or just because he really is comfortable, and breaks the peaceful silence between the two, “Why don't you go into the water?”

“Hm?” Jake hums. He waits patiently for Dirk to elaborate. It doesn’t take long for him to do just that.

“Y'know, go frolic with Jade and June and Roxy and all their ilk among the waves. Ride the dolphins into a sunset. Become a fuckin ocean man or something. The New Neptune of Earth C, king of the dolphins and anything vaguely smelling of fish” Dirk pauses for a second, “Wait, no that’s fucking dumb, are there even any dolphins here? The metaphor got away from me really fast. I dunno, why don’t you just…go swim, I guess?”

Jake shrugs. “I dunno! I feel rather comfortable right here with you at this moment.” Dirk makes a ‘mh’ noise at that.

“Yeah, but this is probably pretty fucking boring for you. And hot. Like here I am dozing off when it's probably like 100 degrees or something. About to have some serious heat dreams about mirages of Crush vending machines and oases in the desert with some choice looking palm trees and freshwater springs so sparkly they’d make Roxy and Calliope’s glitter collages look like fuckin chumps on the sparkle-o-meter. Except we're on a beach. And you probably wanna swim.”

Jake hums again, and looks down at Dirk, “Okay, well maaaybe I'll go if this is your incredibly roundabout and complicated way of asking me to go with you.”

“What? Fuck no, I don’t wanna go into the water.”

Jake raises an eyebrow and smiles good-naturedly at that. “Oh? Why so hydrophobic all of the sudden good chum? And to think this is the same man who took hour long showers.”

Dirk makes a face. “A shower is severely different than the whole damn ocean. You didn't get to go plunking around in it as a kid willy nilly, but I did, and trust me when I say it smells like garbage when you've soaked in it for too long. Just absolute reekage of sulphuric detritus and various fish byproducts. That’s not even including whatever the fuck Her Imperious Fish Bitch McAsshole Pastry Hag dumped into it for shits and giggles.”

Jake hums for a third time. “Hmmmmmmmm. I feel there's a deeper meaning than the whole ‘It Smells and is Gross’ bit you've got here Strider. Come on, it's just the two of us here on this warm, sandy beach, not including the folks running amok in the water. Tell me your woes, my good man.” Dirk is silent for a moment. He makes another ‘mh’ sound.

“...it’s dumb.”

Jake brushes hair out of Dirk’s face, looking at him with what can only be called adoration, as he leans in to speak, “Dirk, my love, my darling man, o amor da minha vida, my delicious little piece of no ass-” Dirk immediately pushes Jake away, flustered.

“Get to the point you dick.” Dirk says through gritted teeth. Jake grins, unperturbed.

“Ahem, as I was saying, my dearly beloved and utterly ridiculous man. Our lives are so friggin' dumb Dirk. Just unbelievably and utterly batshit bonkers. They are an accumulation of sheer idiocracy and silly shenanigans and trauma. Whatever it is, it cannot be any worse than what’s already happened.” 

Dirk looks away. “I swear Rose has been wearing off on you with the need to look inside my head.”

Jake sighs, “Dirk, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. We can just sit here and continue what we're doing. Which is absolutely fuck all nothing. I'm very content with doing nothing with you right now.” 

Dirk remains silent for longer this time, before mumbling out something. Jake leans in closer to hear better.

“You’re what?”

“I’m scared, alright? Happy?”

“Well not really. Just what has you so scared chum?” Jake tilts his head inquisitively. Dirk sighs, finally sitting up and running his fingers through his hair. He already regrets getting up from his cushy spot on Jake’s lap, but this needs to be said face to face, or at least that’s what Dirk’s thinking right now.

“I'm scared that if I go into the water and turn around, the beach will be gone.” He gestures around. In the distance, Jade is seen dumping Dave into the ocean, June laughing uproariously once Dave comes up next to Karkat, looking disgruntled but not upset. Dirk continues, “Like all of this was just some perfect fucking fantasy that I'll be snapped right back out of. It'll be like the god damned Matrix in this bitch, and all it takes is me going into the ocean for me to be woken up to reality with the ground pulled out from under me, like fuckin oops there goes gravity, or some other stupid quote by some ancient forgotten white rapper, except I won't have any cool weird computer Messiah-esque powers like Neo or whatever.

“I'll be back in the past that was your future, but I won't be able to find my apartment. So I'll be stuck swimming, because I won't be able to fly anymore. And I'll keep swimming and swimming, until I get exhausted and fucking drown in the underwater remains of Texas, doomed to become food for all the fish I used to catch. A complete god damned circle of life. Somebody better fucking call Simba.” Dirk finishes, leaving Jake to nod in understanding.

“Hrm, that's certainly a phobia of sorts. Well we don't have to go into the water! As I said, I'm very comfortable being right here with you and not in the water.” Jake pats his lap as he says this. While tempted, Dirk is still unconvinced.

“You've got nothing else to add? No adorably antiquated monologue? No ‘Oh Dirk, buck up chum! The entire beach can't just disappear, that'd be darn right silly!’ or ‘I'll be with you the whole way, I believe in you Dirk!’ Really? Nothing at all?” Dirk attempts to do an impression of Jake, but he fails pretty miserably at it. It sounds simultaneously like he’s trying to be some old british guy and some sort old timey paper boy from the slums of 1930s New York. Either way, it’s impressive how bad it is and how he managed to even mix those two accents together so horribly well. Jake does his best to stifle a laugh, but he too fails.

“Heheh, If I'm being perfectly honest dear, I am actually afraid of some sort of monstrously giant sea serpent popping out of the ocean and trying to eat me. Which is why I haven't hopped in to take a dip. So the fact that you're also afraid to go in is quite a strange and liberating relief.” Jake says. Dirk blinks at him.

“Oh. Huh.”

Jake chuckles, “Oh huh indeed, compadre. While I was incredibly grateful to you for sending Brobot all those years ago, his robotic companionship could only drive away so many fears. I still have nightmares about what was lurking in the oceans surrounding Hell Murder Island…” Jake shudders, “let me tell you, none were pleasant.”

“Yeah, well I would’ve sent myself if I could’ve.”

Jake pulls Dirk into a hug, "I know you would have dear. My beloved and anime obsessed tween knight boy in bright and shiny armor. My acne covered prince charming. It really would have been a dream come true.”, he rocks him back and forth as he says this, rubbing his face against Dirk’s, being incredibly mushy and embarrassing to anyone within sight.

Dirk attempts to retain some dignity, failing, "I hate that you phrased it like that, because I know you 100% believe that that would have actually been something cool to you.”

“It most certainly would have! You’d show up with your sword and your silly anime triangle shades-”

“They’re not silly”, Dirk tries to interject.

“-and your meticulously styled spiky anime hair, and most certainly signs of acne on your face, and it would have been the most dashing and romantic display of epic Striderian coolness a young thirteen year old me would have ever seen in my entire life.” Dirk has given up on dignity, and instead hides his face in Jake's shoulder. Jake places a kiss on Dirk’s temple, and from this angle he can see Dirk trying (not trying very hard though) to hide a smile. Dirk looks up from his spot at Jake’s shoulder, still smiling.

“So...you’re really fine with just staying here?”

“I am! Very much so in fact.” 

Dirk huffs a laugh at that, “Heh, I guess we're both just a couple of chickens, huh?”

Jake nods at him emphatically, “Exactly! So let's stay like chickens on dry land together, hm? Maybe one day we'll take a plunge into the water together, but today let's be a couple of comfortable hennish cowards and stay right where we are!”

“Don't gotta tell me twice.” Dirk places a chaste kiss on Jake, before quickly reclaiming his favored spot on Jake’s lap, leaving Jake to laugh at how ridiculous he is, and resuming the exact same activities the two had been doing at the very beginning, which was, and I quote ‘absolutely fucking nothing’.   
Jake cards his fingers through Dirk’s hair, content as he watches June and Jade dunk Dave and Karkat into the water for what must be the hundredth time at this point, Rose and Kanaya holding up what seems to be...scoreboards? Jake’s not entirely sure. What he is sure of is that he is wonderfully happy, and completely at peace, enjoying Dirk’s company in his own. And so, they stayed on the beach.


End file.
